Marshmallow God Productions

Saturday, on the way home, I locked myself out of my car- down the street from my parents' house, in the parking lot of a Starbucks. I continued on my way into the Starbucks, borrowed the phone to call my parents as my phone was also locked in the car, bought the coffee I had originally stopped for, and went outside to wait for my ma.

My mother handed me her phone and told me to call AAA.

And I couldn't. And it occurs to me now, looking back, that this was the first time someone who does not see me regularly got to see my anxiety problem in full swing. I got the expected response from my mother when I shook my head violently 'No.'

"You are 31. Call."

And, much to my frustration and chagrin, I started to cry. And I fumbled around some words, and my mother finally realized I was not kidding or playing it up when I mention that I have an anxiety problem. She made me get into the car, and asked nothing more strenuous of me than my plate number as she called AAA.

I have gotten better over the years at noticing when I am going to run into my anxiety wall- they are not quite 'attacks'. It is more like getting boxed into myself, and the more people try to tell me there is nothing to be worried about, the worse it gets, as the only thing I can do in that box is get frustrated and upset with myself. I can recognize I am reacting irrationally, but there is very little I can do about it. I have developed a system over the years, a sort of short cut through the mental arguments and irritation that used to bog me down for up to an hour. 

15 minutes later I was able to tip the AAA fellow after he cunningly forced my door, made a joke with my mother, and was able to drive the couple hours home.

Anxiety and depression, the two devils on my shoulders doing their best to make me fumble and bumble my way through life. You know what the best way to fight back is? To share. I can never communicate when I am depressed. When I am anxious. But I know what is going to trigger my anxiety. I didn't get my drivers license until I was 29. djkc made me realize I had a bit of a problem when the thought of driving got me so anxious I cried at him. Simply driving to the store. 

Talking to djkc. Talking to everyone who will listen. Sharing my stories and experiences. It lets other folks know they aren't crazy, and it does get better. And really, that's the best way to fight these insidious little devils. To determine I am not crazy, and that this is something that can be dealt with- but it cannot be dealt with alone. That is the trick to it.

I know the things that are going to set off my anxiety- there is a common connection between the worst instances. I make sure to communicate when I am having 'off' days, or when I am entering situations that may trigger an anxiety wall. I talk to people about what I am like to do. I can manage it better, and that has made a world of difference. Driving to Rochester and back, alone, was a huge victory for me- even with the Incident of the Keys.