I am going to share a story.

[fireun]

Saturday, on the way home, I locked myself out of my car- down the street from my parents' house, in the parking lot of a Starbucks. I continued on my way into the Starbucks, borrowed the phone to call my parents as my phone was also locked in the car, bought the coffee I had originally stopped for, and went outside to wait for my ma.

My mother handed me her phone and told me to call AAA.

And I couldn't. And it occurs to me now, looking back, that this was the first time someone who does not see me regularly got to see my anxiety problem in full swing. I got the expected response from my mother when I shook my head violently 'No.'

"You are 31. Call."

And, much to my frustration and chagrin, I started to cry. And I fumbled around some words, and my mother finally realized I was not kidding or playing it up when I mention that I have an anxiety problem. She made me get into the car, and asked nothing more strenuous of me than my plate number as she called AAA.

I have gotten better over the years at noticing when I am going to run into my anxiety wall- they are not quite 'attacks'. It is more like getting boxed into myself, and the more people try to tell me there is nothing to be worried about, the worse it gets, as the only thing I can do in that box is get frustrated and upset with myself. I can recognize I am reacting irrationally, but there is very little I can do about it. I have developed a system over the years, a sort of short cut through the mental arguments and irritation that used to bog me down for up to an hour. 

15 minutes later I was able to tip the AAA fellow after he cunningly forced my door, made a joke with my mother, and was able to drive the couple hours home.

Anxiety and depression, the two devils on my shoulders doing their best to make me fumble and bumble my way through life. You know what the best way to fight back is? To share. I can never communicate when I am depressed. When I am anxious. But I know what is going to trigger my anxiety. I didn't get my drivers license until I was 29. djkc made me realize I had a bit of a problem when the thought of driving got me so anxious I cried at him. Simply driving to the store. 

Talking to djkc. Talking to everyone who will listen. Sharing my stories and experiences. It lets other folks know they aren't crazy, and it does get better. And really, that's the best way to fight these insidious little devils. To determine I am not crazy, and that this is something that can be dealt with- but it cannot be dealt with alone. That is the trick to it.

I know the things that are going to set off my anxiety- there is a common connection between the worst instances. I make sure to communicate when I am having 'off' days, or when I am entering situations that may trigger an anxiety wall. I talk to people about what I am like to do. I can manage it better, and that has made a world of difference. Driving to Rochester and back, alone, was a huge victory for me- even with the Incident of the Keys.

Comments

[lilnekochan.livejournal.com]

You are so not alone in that particular anxiety. People look at me weird when I say I can't call somewhere to ask anything more complicated than business hours without psyching myself up for it first. Makes looking for a job REAL fun... It sets off something in my brain but I can't completely describe it to someone who doesn't know. *hugs*

[hamiechi.livejournal.com]

I don't know much about anxiety attack asides from what I have read on novels and books, but I love to read people's stories and experiences, the ones which are so different from my own cultures :)

Perhaps, the closest thing I can call anxiety attack is when I see dog in real life -__-"

[fireun.livejournal.com]

Anxiety is horrible, especially for me since I really cannot explain why I am upset at the time. *sigh*

Glad to share!

[havocmangawip.livejournal.com]

YOU KICK ASS!!

YOU DID IT! You DROVE! FAR! I always wondered if it was a "not driving" issue or a "no car/money" issue. I didn't get my license until I was nearly 22. I'd taken the test once at 19, tapped a car during the parallel park and decided, "I AM NEVER DRIVING AGAIN!" I got my license a WEEK before I started student teaching. Cue my first rear ending of another car, that had no tail lights... regardless... I was lost and panicked and hence, distracted.

I now NEVER get lost. I hate being lost. I hate being LATE and lost... which will make me nearly pathologically late EVERY SINGLE TIME. BUT, I haven't gotten into a "my fault" accident since. (Ok, so I need a GPS, which is goofy, since my Dad never shares his and I'm driving HIS car currently... )

Best advice I got this Christmas which was SUCKFUL and blech was from Greg at Move Along. "Breathe". As I was typing faster faster faster just, "Breathe."

Which is really really really hard to do! Getting better at it. I may or may not be wearing a button on Wednesday that says JUST that on my sweater. "Breathe." It's from MushyKat. Sometimes I need to be reminded to breathe.

AND I lost my car key SO lost that I had to GET ONE from the dealership. I couldn't find phone or keys DAYS on end from 12/24-12/28. For a bit there I thought I was going into the loony bin... and it was a relief. I eventually started handing over keys, phone and jewelry to Wm so I wouldn't LOSE them Lose them.

I need to just make a LIST. For when I CANNOT think or communicate. My Dad STILL doesn't get HOW I could have lost my keys so very very LOST. Just one of them mind you. The keychain fell apart on Christmas Eve at Wm's VERY large family gathering.(I stuck the important pieces "somewhere safe".) I changed clothes and purses like THREE times in less than 24 hours... rode AND drove cars. I'm glad my head was attached!

I'm REALLY proud of you.

[fireun.livejournal.com]

Next time I make the drive I will see if I am brave enough to try driving in 'Cuse so I can visit :D

[laurose8.livejournal.com]

Thanks for telling us. This might be a good thing to pass on, sometime.

[fireun.livejournal.com]

I really am hoping people share the posts like this when I make them. I felt like such a burden to my family and friends for ages. Its taken work but its nice to be at a place where I feel like I am on equal footing with them instead.

[animegoil.livejournal.com]

Guh, you amaze me every time. I really want to drill these things into myself. I'm lucky enough to not have had dealings with depression or anxiety ever, but my roommate has been going through depression, and she gets so down on herself sometimes. And seeing what you wrote here - the ways to combat it. I think they're so true, and I'm going to share with her these things you said, because it's not just good for you - it's good for the people around you as well. It helps me understand her more, it helps her deal better and not feel like she's burdening me with her problems if she's forewarning me... I don't know. I just think this is very true and applicable not just to people going through depression or anxiety, but anyone going through a hard time. ♥ Major props for being the person you are no matter what anxieties you have.

[fireun.livejournal.com]

I used to worry I was bothering the people around me. I think that is part of what makes it hard for me to communicate once I have triggered my anxiety or I have a depressive episode. It really does help to let people know what is going on BEFORE those things happen, for both parts of the equation.

There is such a social stigma against intangibles like depression and anxiety. I am going to make posts like this as often as it occurs to me. One little voice, but at least someone is talking- and I really do want people to share the posts, which is why I make them public. I have a job, I do social things, and I also have anxiety/depression. It happens :)

[helen-lerewth.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for sharing this: I feel encouraged to know that others know what it's like to freeze up and not be able to think, not even to communicate. When depression hits, everything closes down. But to know that others do know what it feels like ... I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but don't feel so alone.
BTW, I got my driver's licence when I was 40.