It's that self-inflicted isolation

[fireun]

I realize I am terribly lucky. I can look at djkc and say 'I am depressed today. No reason. Just am. Wanted to give you the heads up/warning' and he is good with that.

And that is what it took for me to be ok with the fact I get depressed, that I have a sometimes debilitating anxiety problem. I needed to be able to vocalize it, and have someone nod, accept it as an honest problem, and offer support and understanding. Before that, the best advice I could get was 'deal with it, everyone gets depressed'. That attitude, making light of the mountains getting in my way, made everything harder, and made it harder for me to admit I should see a doctor and actually go to one.

I finished my second graduate degree at 30- but I only have one actual degree to show for it. I got so anxious, and as a result so depressed, while working on my Masters of Philosophy, that I dropped out after writing the draft of my thesis. I had no support structure, I had even lost my advisor and any faculty members I thought cared. I was terrified at the thought of defending the thesis (even though I will go on and on about it at great lengths, even now, in casual company) and equally terrified of telling my parents I had dropped. If I had talked to anyone in a medical capacity I would probably have those two shiny Master diplomas on my wall. One of those regrets floating around- this was a workable obstacle, but it seemed insurmountable at the time. After dropping? I spent a lot of time angry at myself for being anxious, yelling at myself in my own head, which led to self loathing and depression. Awful, roiling depression.

And that is the thing with depression and its partner in crime anxiety. From inside the head of someone dealing with those things, everything is bigger and scarier and harder. And a lot of that comes from the isolating feel of suffering from anxiety or depression. Hell, I couldn't even go to the neighbors to let them know their dogs had gotten out last weekend because people I don't know are a huge anxiety trigger. Such a little, easy thing to do, knock on a door. I could not do it.

What helps is breaking through that isolation. And a lot of that isolation is self imposed by the depressed/anxious. We do it to ourselves- holing up or pretending everything is fine. And that does not help. Hence these sporadic blog posts. Hence my deep appreciation for djkc. Hence my willingness to chat with any of you who might want to- just drop me a line. fireun 3 @gmail. com.