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Remembering Those We've Lost
Sep. 12th, 2012 01:18 pmTo Write Love on Her Arms has a post of rememberances up, quotes from individuals sharing who they have lost, the imapct it has had. It is beautiful and it is daunting, and it is 100% worth reading.
I lost my sister. It broke me, it broke my family and so many friends. Repairwork takes a long time, but I keep at it.
I lost Jer, an on and off again friend, an on and off again lover. We had magnificent spats, mostly due to the fact my depression was not being taken care of. I hate the fact I was not getting along with him when he needed me the most.
I lost Freya. I don't have the words to describe her, and you can't see my smile. She always had time for a kind word for me, even when I was decidedly overwhelmed by pretty much everyone.
This was all the last year of my life. They clustered up, the suicides. By the time Freya took her life, I was almost numb to the whole thing, and that is a distressing realization to come to. No one should ever become numb to suicide. It should never become so commonplace as to stop being world rending. The wiring is not quite right in my head, from all of this. I know it, I keep an eye on it. I don't want anyone else to have to deal with what I am dealing with. It has become a huge motivating force in my day to day life. Not overwhelming, I never let it be that. Just motivating.
I buried my little sister. I could not stand to bury my friends, so I mourned quietly in my own way- but I still feel guilty about not being there for services and gatherings. But it is fragile up there in my head, and if I have gotten nothing else out of this past year, I have gotten a rather keen awareness of the mechanics of my own brain. I will take care of myself, so I can do everything I can for those I love.
I lost my sister. It broke me, it broke my family and so many friends. Repairwork takes a long time, but I keep at it.
I lost Jer, an on and off again friend, an on and off again lover. We had magnificent spats, mostly due to the fact my depression was not being taken care of. I hate the fact I was not getting along with him when he needed me the most.
I lost Freya. I don't have the words to describe her, and you can't see my smile. She always had time for a kind word for me, even when I was decidedly overwhelmed by pretty much everyone.
This was all the last year of my life. They clustered up, the suicides. By the time Freya took her life, I was almost numb to the whole thing, and that is a distressing realization to come to. No one should ever become numb to suicide. It should never become so commonplace as to stop being world rending. The wiring is not quite right in my head, from all of this. I know it, I keep an eye on it. I don't want anyone else to have to deal with what I am dealing with. It has become a huge motivating force in my day to day life. Not overwhelming, I never let it be that. Just motivating.
I buried my little sister. I could not stand to bury my friends, so I mourned quietly in my own way- but I still feel guilty about not being there for services and gatherings. But it is fragile up there in my head, and if I have gotten nothing else out of this past year, I have gotten a rather keen awareness of the mechanics of my own brain. I will take care of myself, so I can do everything I can for those I love.
