Before We Burst

This is my sister. She was 28 when she died. She left behind her fiance. An unfinished Masters degree. Family. Friends. We had been planning for her to come visit me for a week. There is a series of events I could recount, the thing that led to another that amounted to the immediate result of an intentional death. But that isn't the point of the thing. She felt there was no other option. That is what has stuck in my head for the past year, what really bites when I get caught up in missing her in those moments when it is very quiet at night and I cannot sleep. She thought she had no other option. Oh, there were so many other options, so many people willing to do anything they could to try and help. But I never knew how things were. She was always smiling that magnificent, brilliant smile. I never knew what was going on behind it. We moved apart as we got older, as sisters do. I never thought to ask, with any intent or meaning, how things really were. 

My friend told me the other day that I never "come off as depressed" to her. That there is the horrible secret of it all. It is terribly hard, sometimes, to tell when someone is suffering from depression. We are trained so heavily to hide what is going on, to try and smother out perceived flaw until it is nigh undetectable. I am vocal about the fact I suffer from anxiety and depression, and still I have that drive to project that everything is wonderful and fine as I go about my day. It is reflex.

And there is no possible way to go about life trying to second guess whether or not everyone who looks happy actually is. It is up to those of us who suffer as quietly as possible to stop smothering ourselves. Before we burst.

I have had a few folks reach out to me since I started posting this week. Please, oh please, continue to do so. I am by no means a trained professional, but I am a shoulder, a sounding board, and a voice letting you know that no, you really aren't crazy or a failure and other people are going through what you are. You are not alone.

I wish my sister was still here with me. Her smile was truly magnificent. And these photos I found on the hard drive she left behind, wearing a dress I had given her and fairy wings, will always make me smile.