A Year

[fireun]

A year ago today I lost a sister, under some of the most world-shattering circumstances imaginable. Two weeks before then, she had been chatting with me, planning when she was going to visit with her fiance. I was excited- we had fought on and off over the years, as sisters do, and finally we had been getting along so well. And she was going to come visit. I was so damn excited. But then she was gone. I lost my home a month later to catastrophic flooding, and almost all of my possessions with it, and little by little the things my sister left behind have worked their way into my life and home. They cause tears some days, but more than that they are a good reminder. They soothe.

Suicide is a mess. For everyone. I will be a long time trying to get what pieces of life I can to fit back together. I will be a long time working to settle my own issues with depression and anxiety into this new world where people I know can kill themselves at the drop of a hat. Suicide was something that happened to other people- not to me. But since I lost Teresa I have lost an ex-boyfriend and a friend. All within a year. It is a new worldview I am trying to get used to the taste of, and while it is not to my liking it is not going to go away. I am so lucky in my support system- friends, djkc, my remaining sister, parents and extended family. I am lucky in the relationship I have developed with the folks over at To Write Love On Her Arms. TWLOHA sent flowers to my parents in memory of my sister. Unexpected, unasked, and beautiful. They are an amazing organization and I am proud to support them, and I hope I am doing at least half as good as T would have.

To explain the cake. djkc and I have developed a sort of system of 'celebrating' the rough/shitty things in life with cookie cakes. As far as coping mechanisms go for me, not too shabby. And it really does let us laugh like hell at things that need a smile. Have you ever walked into a bakery and tried to order a cookie cake in your sister's memory before? This was the most appropriate thing we could think of to have written on it (the only thing we could think of that wouldn't have horrified the clerk). Lots of frosting and whimsical butterflies. I like to think T would have liked it.

Especially once Cow Cat tried to eat it.

Comments

[water-soter.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry for your loss. Suicide is one of the most horrible ways to lose a loved one. I understand your loss. I recently lost my baby nephew. He was five months and one week old in a terrible accident. A cookie cake is a fantastic way to celebrate a life. I think once I hit my one year anniversary I might do something like that. But right now it's only been two weeks and I can't imagine getting through one more week much less a year. Hugs and loads of chocolate.

[jecook]

*hugs*

[cynthia began (from livejournal.com)]

I don't think we ever "get use to" the idea of suicide. For that matter I still haven't gotten "use to" the idea of Mom, Dad and Tim along with other various family and friends being gone. What we do get "use to" is the "lovingly annoying" way people come into our lives and offer their support when frankly there are days when we just want to crawl under the covers for the rest of our days. But we know we can't do that. For one, these friends and families just won't let us. When we least expect it there they are just being them. They may not know what to say or do for our pain, but they are just there. They are just there for us (gnomes and all) letting us be human which is the greatest gift of all. You did that for me. You put up with me. I am so grateful for that. I am honored to call you friend.

Pets do that too. Just when I am letting my tears flow here comes Pipers Kitty bringing in a mouse to her Momma or poking me in the ear demanding to be fed. I swear Tim sent her at those very moments. The power of purr is not to be underestimated.

What I watched you go through this year was amazing, humbling and awe inspiring. All of your family showed grace, courage and humor in handling this. The cake is a fabulous idea! It's not maudlin or creepy it's a lovely gesture. The day of the Dead is not about celebrating death, it's about celebrating LIFE. I happily stuff myself full of the favorite foods we loved to eat. I have no doubt T is saying "that a way sis!" Tim is looking down on you and smiling (and hoping you dive head first into the frosting b/c he would have pushed your face down in it!).

All will be well. I will raise a glass to you and your entire family. Here's to T and all those that have gone before. Most importantly here's to us! Live well and prosper my friend. Love you tons.

[hamiechi.livejournal.com]

*pats*

[libwitch.livejournal.com]

*I* closed the box when I left. Cow Cat finding the cake was totally not my fault.

Much love. The phone calls from David that morning is still a very surreal memory.

[questofdreams.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Suicide and depression is something my family has lived with for a long time. My brother committed suicide when I was a teenager. Ten years later, my nephew did the same. It's a strange world we live in, and if you ever want to talk--about anything, from suicide to writing to just whatever--remember that I'm always here :)

From what I've seen--and I know I've only seen a tiny, tiny sliver of it--you've handled yourself with courage and great dignity. This is a fantastic way to remember your sister.

[rosalui.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Always here if you need to talk.

[havocmangawip.livejournal.com]

Hang in there, love.

I really like the idea of the cookie.

[pbray.livejournal.com]

{{HUGS}}. And scritches to Cow Cat who clearly has excellent taste.

[xjenavivex.livejournal.com]

From everything you shared about your sis, she would have loved the cookie. It was a perfect way to remember such a beautiful, vibrant person.

I am here if you need me, for whatever.

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

Hug.