Talking About The Monster Under The Bed

[fireun]

Two years ago, this post would have been impossible for me to write. One just does not admit to being depressed. We are expected to cope and carry on. I worked retail management- I could not take days off with any sort of ease, and I had to be the pinnacle of affable every waking moment. Deal with it, everything and everyone around me seemed to be saying. Depression was a flaw, something you did not talk about. It was the quiet shame.

The monster under the bed.

And that monster under the bed, the thing that we were told was never really there and we were silly to be afraid of, had me a person I was not very proud of or happy with. Chronic unhappiness, and seeing no way out and no help, is so hard to deal with. I was anxious all the time. I had a temper. I didn’t sleep. I ate terribly. I worked and did very little else.

I did not think there was anything that could be done for me. That I was a failure because I couldn’t seem to get all the pieces to fit right in order to be happy. We live in a culture where mental disorders are somehow shameful, and that attitude has to change. We need to haul that monster out from under the bed and talk about it.

Only by talking, by normalizing, will we be able to get a lot of the unnecessary stigma to detach from those who suffer from a mental disorder.

I am often unhappy, for no reason. It is hard to explain and near impossible to quantify. I am eternally anxious- I have trouble doing things as simple as driving to a friend’s home if I have not been there before, making phone calls. Every now and then, even with the fact I am able to hold two professional jobs I love, I feel that somehow I am sneaking through the system, and some day I will be revealed for the fake, the failure that I am. That is the thing about mental disorders- they lurk.

Five years ago I was lucky enough to run into a rather splendid and supportive human being who pounded it into my head that mental issues are legitimate medical issues, and that I should see someone. I was lucky enough to have someone willing to go with me to doctor’s appointments, as the idea of going on my own had me frozen in anxious terror.

I had someone to tell me that while it was ok to be depressed and anxious it was 100% not ok to sit back and not to anything about it.

One year ago I lost my sister to suicide. It puts everything into perspective. I am lucky. I have all the support a person could dream of and an awareness that something is wrong, something that needs my attention and tending. My sister was brilliant and funny and rarely gave off a hint, unless you knew what to look for, that anything was ever wrong. I will always feel like I missed some hints, like I should have somehow been there more for her. She was my little sister and she felt the only solution to her situation was to kill herself. It is damn hard not to feel at least somewhat responsible for that.

I can't do anything for her, but I can be as vocal as possible for anyone else who will listen. There is always another solution, there is always a hand to hold, someone to talk to. These are the things I have learned through the last year. I was learning before then, but my sister’s suicide sort of kicked the learning process up a notch. They were things I wish my sister had learned enough to have internalized.

The more we talk, the greater the chance these conversations will make it to the ears of the folks that really need to hear them.

Comments

[artaddict.livejournal.com]

*hugs tight* I don't know that I ever thanked you for poking me to eat when I was starting my first try on anti-depressants. Having you around to talk to and to support me through it made the impossible-seeming task of trying to seek help that little bit more possible than not. I'll be thinking of you and your sister when I wear my TWLOHA bracelet this week.

[a-feather.livejournal.com]

I know I usually don't say much, but having grown up in a family/culture of "mental issues are not REAL Issues", your posts mean a lot to me. Thank you for making them!

[transient-words.livejournal.com]

You know, I rarely comment here -- I actually barely frequent this site anymore. And when I do, it's more like a force of habit, but ...then there's times like today where I'll come across this absolutely wonderful post, and just feel like adding my two cents (no matter how little worth they might be).

I really applaud the courage you put out there to post this. It seems so simple in how you word it, but I know it isn't. It's a bit painful to read too because I see a lot of *myself* in this post, and I lost someone close to my this year as well due to suicide. I think, while it really shocked and broke me in a way, it also made me realise a lot of things: namely how I was never happy myself, how I still am not, and how trying to shove it under a rug doesn't help at all. I'm lucky too, to have people I can talk to about it -- and I'm glad there are awesome people like you who post about their feelings. It makes me feel less like an alien.

So thank you and *hugs* I hope you'll continue being as strong as you are showing/have shown yourself to be :)

[helen-lerewth.livejournal.com]

Thank you for writing this!

[sleigh.livejournal.com]

That was a brave post, and I hope the monster hates the sunshine and starts to diminish under its glare.

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

Hug.
You are amazing and lovely and brave and altogether very fine.

[jennifer-dunne.livejournal.com]

Well said. Bravely done, but if you can save just one, worth all the effort.

[havocmangawip.livejournal.com]

You are so brave. You are not alone. I'm getting better and better at keeping the "black dog" at bay. You make me smile.

[fireun.livejournal.com]

You most definitely make me smile as well :) Very glad you live close enough for occasional adventures!

[fireun.livejournal.com]

Oh, most definitely.
Miss you!

[fireun.livejournal.com]

*hug*
Thank you.

And my life is all the better for knowing you :)

[fireun.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Bit by bit I am winning this one. Bit by bit :)

[fireun.livejournal.com]

*hug* You are very welcome.

[fireun.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry for your loss. And I am very glad the posts are helping with the whole making folks feel less isolated. You know where to find me if you ever want to chat :)

*hugs!*

[fireun.livejournal.com]

It is always good to hear from you when you do pop by to comment <3

I am very glad the posts have meaning for you. There is nothing as terrible as the isolating feeling that there is nothing 'real' wrong with you when you are suffering from a mental issue. It just makes everything so much worse.

[fireun.livejournal.com]

Love you too, m'dear. I'm glad I was able to help while you were working through all of that!